Sandra’s Story

Content Note: If you struggle with suicidal thoughts, the following story may contain sensitive content. You can contact the Crisis Text Line by texting HOME to 741-741 from anywhere in the U.S. or visit our Resources page for further support.

My first memory of feeling suicidal was in middle school. I remember crying almost every night with a bottle of pills in my nightstand trying to work up the courage to take them. Fast forward to freshman year of high school — I tried to ignore my constant anxiety and depression in hopes that they would soon go away, thinking it was just a phase. 

That summer on June 23rd, 2015, I had finally hit my limit and worked up enough “courage” to finally take that bottle. I was hospitalized for about 2 weeks for my suicide attempt and then started my recovery. After a few weeks on my antidepressants, I started to feel better, even happy. For the next couple of years, I constantly felt shame and was afraid to reach out. I already received help and was supposed to be “fixed,” so why was I still unhappy? 

I stopped taking my antidepressants my senior year and soon the chest tightening anxiety all came back. I lost many relationships that year, but I was SURE that college would be different next year. I expected college to be my peak — parties every weekend making new best friends. I was wrong. This was the year my social anxiety seemed to be at its highest. I couldn’t be in any social gathering without wanting to vomit or pass out, making it really hard to make friends. I also put on about 20 pounds, so soon after came the eating disorder. I’ve never told anyone this, so this may come as a surprise to many, even my best friends and family. It started off as purging just a few meals a week, and quickly it escalated to not being able to get down a single meal without immediately going to the bathroom. 

My road to recovery isn’t over yet, and maybe I’m not even close to completely healing. But I am now strong enough to share my story, something I would’ve never been able to do 5 years ago, or even a month ago.

“My road to recovery isn’t over yet, and maybe I’m not even close to completely healing. But I am now strong enough to share my story, something I would’ve never been able to do 5 years ago, or even a month ago.”