Kayleigh’s Story
For as long as I can remember, I always had problems with eating and with the way I viewed my body. It all started with my mother, who was suffering from addiction. She was 40 years old and less than 100 pounds. I grew up admiring her for her beauty because as my mother, she was somebody who I idolized. She left when I was 12 years old and at that time, my eating disorder took the form of my mother in my life. It manifested itself in my head, causing me to think if I were skinnier she would come back to me. Ever since that day, my eating disorder took a permanent place in my life, filling the void my mother left.
“Eating disorders are complex. They aren’t one thing — they take different shapes and forms for everybody.”
Eating disorders are complex. They aren’t one thing — they take different shapes and forms for everybody. For me, I suffered from anorexia and bulimia nervosa. My eating disorder built a home in my brain, constantly reminding me it was there and had control over me. It started off small, skipping one meal or working out an extra 30 minutes. I thought I was in control over what I was doing to my body, but the more I restricted my eating, the easier it became to limit myself to less and less food.
The more weight I was losing, the more I was losing who I was until I didn’t know the girl looking back at me in the mirror, but I couldn’t stop. Skipping one meal turned into skipping all 3 and a 30 minute workout turned into constantly finding times to squeeze in workouts. Every calorie was carefully calculated. While I kept losing weight, it was never enough in my head — the numbers could get lower and lower but it was never enough. I was able to keep it undercover until one day I wasn’t. I was getting ready for my soccer game and everything started getting fuzzy, suddenly everything went black and I woke up in the hospital.
“I put on such a show that even I tricked myself into thinking that I was fine, when I knew there was so much more happening to me.”
I had no idea what was happening, but once I saw an IV in my arm, I knew what they were doing to me. They were filling my body with nutrients and calories and it felt like I was going to explode. I kept telling everybody I was fine, that I just didn’t eat that day because I was busy and nervous for the game. I put on such a show that even I tricked myself into thinking that I was fine, when I knew there was so much more happening to me.
I forced my dad and my step mom to take me home, but things changed forever. I was forced into therapy, to see a nutritionist, and we were to sit down and eat meals together so they could make sure I was eating. I couldn’t take it. My eating disorder was destroying me from the inside out. Every calorie I ate seemed like it was going to destroy me and the progress I made. I knew I needed a way to get rid of all the calories my family was forcing down my throat. I felt like a freak, being watched at dinner, my parents making my plate. It was like I was trapped in a bad dream.
That’s when it happened — I started purging. My eating disorder took over my life. It infested itself into my brain and into my life. It stopped me from doing so many things I loved to do. I thought I had control over how many calories my body consumed, but I realized it made the control over me and I couldn’t stop it because I didn’t know how.
“I knew if I wanted to live, I had to be honest with myself.”
I knew if I wanted to live, I had to be honest with myself. An eating disorder isn’t something that ever goes away but it is something that you can gain control over. There are still days when I purge and still days when I have trouble eating — that feeling may never go away, but the feeling will decrease the more you believe in yourself. Having an eating disorder may always be apart of you, but it doesn’t have to define you. You are more than your eating disorder.
RELAPSE
What do you do when the thoughts start coming back? Am I pretty enough? Am I skinny enough? Nobody loves me. Am I enough? What do you do? Do you fight the thoughts or do you let the thoughts overcome you, consume you? The way you answer those questions determines how you are going to live your life, how your life will change. Unfortunately, I answered wrong.
I was doing good for a while, really thought I finally had control over my life again. But about 6 months ago, everything changed. I became lost, depressed, drowning in feelings of self doubt and hate. Then the thoughts started creeping their way back into my brain where they were just loud enough for me to hear. They started off small and inconsistent like a parasite or an infection slowly creeping its way into your body. But the more time that went on, the more I tried to ignore them; the louder they got; the more detrimental they got. Until they became every waking thought I had. That’s when it all became too much, when I gave into the voices and let myself go.
This time was different, I didn’t start out small skipping a meal a day, I stopped eating all together. I avoided family dinners, I avoided my parents in hopes they wouldn’t notice. I isolated myself so it was just me and the voices in my head, just like they wanted. I was drifting in an endless sea, where there was nobody to help me and nobody to save me from drowning. Just sharks swimming around me trying to devour me. I became depressed, I lost the sparkle in my eyes, I lost the girl I was and it seemed impossible to get her back. Everything revolved around food, how I looked and how much I weighed to the point where I was weighing myself twice a day.
“Relapsing happens sometimes, but it doesn’t make you weak, it makes you stronger battling it a second time and still coming out victorious.”
I was in denial, denial I had a problem and that I needed help. I was fine, or at least I thought I was. People started getting concerned, everyone I cared about, but I couldn’t stop, I lost control. I felt powerless and weak fighting this disorder because not eating and losing weight felt right. It felt good in the beginning, when I still had the control. I didn’t know how deep I had fallen.
Eating disorders are real, but the voices and thoughts they place in your head are not. You have the power and the strength to ignore them and make them go away. And sometimes that isn’t easy, sometimes it takes all the strength you have. Giving into this disease and relapsing happens sometimes, but it doesn’t make you weak, it makes you stronger battling it a second time and still coming out victorious. Eating disorders never go away, they are something you battle through life, but how you live your life that is up to you, and I am still trying to figure it out.
