Kaitlyn’s Story

Kaitlyn’s pronouns: they/them

Writing is one of my therapeutic outlets, so when I was asked to write a short piece on mental health, I immediately said yes. Though, I quickly put it off, as the thought of examining my life at the time felt like a task I couldn’t handle. What would I even share? Everything I’ve worked so hard to heal felt as though it had completely hit the back burner. All of my old patterns resurfacing in full force, combined with an overwhelming amount of self scrutiny. I’m 30 and this is where I’m at?

I’m not someone who treads lightly, I think very deeply about nearly everything. Always analyzing my actions and those around me. In a way, I’ve shamed myself for it over the years, wondering why I’m so “intense,” as I’ve been told. So what do I do? I examine my life even further, of course. The beginning of this year was very difficult for me. I found myself at a crossroads that I’ve never been at, wondering what was the point in all of this. I’ve never categorized myself as someone who’s depressed, I’ve always been proud of my optimistic look on life. However, last year took a toll on my mental wellbeing, and everything I thought I knew fell to the curb. I didn’t want to carry on. A strong statement to make, but it’s exactly how I felt. 

This feeling had been growing inside of me for nearly a year, and one day I couldn’t handle it anymore. I began calling some people I could count on, but it was so early in the morning that no one answered right away. As I dialed the suicide hotline, one of my friends called me back. I answered. I was embarrassed, sobbing, and shaking as I explained what I had been going through. I hadn’t even been able to express this to my therapist(s), as I was trying to pretend that what I was feeling wasn’t real.

Today I’m on medication, for the first time in my life. I was raised to believe that we don’t need it, as we can heal ourselves by ourselves. I had also seen firsthand how detrimental it can be to prescribe someone the wrong prescription, so it had never really been an option for me. Although my past fears of taking pills had withheld this moment from happening sooner, I reached my threshold and was willing to do anything. 

“Coming out as queer was not even an option growing up, and the word non-binary was not a part of my vocabulary. Hiding my queer identity has made its impact, but I’m coming into myself each and every day I stand up for myself.”

With the guidance of professionals, I’m slowly getting back on my feet. I’m understanding that I’ve had deep rooted fears of not being accepted, along with a plethora of childhood trauma to unpack. Coming out as queer was not even an option growing up, and the word non-binary was not a part of my vocabulary. Hiding my queer identity has made its impact, but I’m coming into myself each and every day I stand up for myself.

It hasn’t been just the medication, the talk therapy, or finding more of a community. It’s been a combination of these things, along with a lot of unlearning and learning how to essentially live a fulfilling life.

I didn’t want to share this story at first. I had written up another piece that skimmed over this part. Then I read over what I had written, and felt that I would be doing some kind of a disservice by keeping it surface level. I wanted to share this for anyone who can resonate with any bit of what I wrote, because the stories of others have actually been the reason I asked for help. They made me feel like I wasn’t alone, and they made me realize that it’s okay and normal to not feel great all the time. Which is honestly wild to think that I’ve thought we must feel good all the time, no matter what I may have preached. It’s quite toxic!

“I wanted to share this for anyone who can resonate with any bit of what I wrote, because the stories of others have actually been the reason I asked for help.”

So right now I’m building a new foundation, with a new perspective on life. I absolutely still have hard days, but I’m not spiraling to the extent that I’ve done in the past. I have support, and I keep asking for help. I’m also learning how to embrace my super sensitive emotional side of myself, I think it’s beautiful and it makes me…me.

Thank you for being here and thank you for reading a little bit of my story. If you take away anything from this, I hope it’s that you know that you’re not alone.